Changing Parts I, II & III

Changing - Part II

29 April 2009

I'm pregnant. By the time I am able to put this post up, I will have been pregnant for around 12 weeks. At the time I am writing this, at 7:04 PM on Wednesday, April 29, 2009, I've known definitely for less than 24 hours and have been “in the family way” for 2-3 weeks.

I can't say that I was happy, initially, to discover that I am incubating. Shocked. Disappointed. Pissed. I don't want to be pregnant. I want to eat raw oysters at the Outer Banks in May. I don't want to be pregnant. I want to go to Germany in the fall, to see my friends. I prayed for a change, but this is not the change I wanted.

For a moment, a flash of a moment, I wondered about an abortion. Bury the pregnancy tests in the trash with the cat litter, secretly get an abortion, never breathe a word. But the thought of carrying out this kind of subterfuge felt wrong, wrong at the core.

I called J instead, before I lost my courage. J laughed. I felt a tiny bit better, listening to him laugh, him sound happy. I asked him to pick up a second test, to make sure I had not screwed up the first. The second test was positive too.

We talked. I told J the truth. I told him that I was upset. That I was pissed. That I felt like I was going to have to start all over again, drawing boundaries. That I dreaded the battles with grandparents over faith, holidays, all the struggles, all over again.

From scratch.

J asked if I wanted an abortion.

No. Not an option.

I didn't sleep last night. Maybe an hour, hour and a half. I lay dazed, thinking, thinking, thinking. Moved from the bed upstairs to the couch down, opened the window, felt the cooler air on my skin. Sleep did not come. Felt sick, sicker then the slight sense of nausea I had felt in the past couple of weeks.

I finally got up, showered, dressed. 5:30 AM. My friend A was online, hours ahead, almost halfway through his day.

“I have news” I messaged.

“Your pregnant? Yay! He replied.

He was happy for me. “wow, you'll be a great mom”.

I felt a little bit better. Slowly, as the day wore on, as tired as I was, as sick as I felt, I felt better.

Changing – Part II

30 April 2009

Today:
1.The nurse practitioner at my GP confirmed the pregnancy.
2.I was obliquely told that a glass of wine every few weeks would be ignored.
3.Riding my bike was reluctantly approved, as long as I stayed on the trails. No mountain biking.
4.Walking was highly recommended and encouraged.
5.I had my first bout of real nausea, which left me close to feeling like I was going to pass out. Thankfully, I was in the bathroom when it happened. The bathroom has a cushy black armchair that I was able to sit in for a few minutes to collect myself.
6.J purchased ginger ale, ginger tea, tylenol and crackers.
7.I had to switch asthma inhalers. The new medication costs $41.53 for a 25 day supply. I don't even want to consider how much it would cost without insurance.
8.I can no longer take Imitrex for migraines. If they get bad enough, I can call the doctor and have them prescribe tylenol with codeine.

Changing – Part III

15 May 2009

Today I had repeat of the panic that has been plaguing me off and on since I initially stared at the digital readout of a positive pregnancy test.

There is a very real, very distinct possibility that I could lose my job because of this pregancy. The company I work is not bound by the FMLA because they employ less that 50 people. Any maternity leave that I am granted is at the discretion of the company.

In short, if they wanted to get rid of me, and I can name one person off the top of my head who would do it in a minute, all they would have to do is authorize less leave then medically necessary (the minimum suggested by most doctors is six weeks) and I'm out the door, because I will be physically incapable of working. And it will be framed in such a manner that collecting unemployment will be incredibly difficult.

I came home feeling ill, from the fatigue, from the nausea, and from the renewed realization that I could end up unemployed. I lay down on the couch and told J that I might only get six weeks of leave.

Silence. J absorbing the news. Shocked, as he thought I was overreacting two weeks ago when I sat on the couch and cried because I might lose my job.

J asked me if there was anything he could do for me. My first remark was “I can't say anything that you will not find highly offensive”.

J encouraged me to express the least offensive of my thoughts. After telling him that he needed to prepare to take six weeks off, to care for the alien while I went back to work, I concluded with this comment:

“This is a perfect example of why women have abortions”.

Irony Part II

Attending one of the most conservative Christian colleges in the country on funds earned by starring in gay porn.

Having walked the grounds of Grove City College and the town, it is a creepy, creepy place and I'm not surprised the he was suspended.

Irony

Is writing an entry expressing gratitude for something, only to have it come a mere week later and bite you in the ass.