It is a lovely, warm night. I can hear crickets chirping and the fans are buzzing. Toddler Alien is sleeping, J is sleeping. I'm drinking a bottle of homemade mead, one in a case of bottles J found buried in a cooler. It was given to us by friends who moved West several months ago and did not want to take the mead along. The alcohol content of the mead is high, over 12%, but it is smooth with a ginger finish.
I have a full time job. With a 10% raise over my last gig, at a company with a structured development process. A company that is going to allow me to learn how to directly test databases. At the company that lowballed my first salary offer, then came up after I refused the first offer. At a company which, as it turns out, is perfectly happy to allow me to work a schedule flexible enough to get Toddler Alien when he is sick.
A good thing in the scheme of the universe, because sickness occurred on Friday, at the end of my first week as a full-time employee.
The weekend turned into listening to an 18 month old scream for hours on end, until we took him to Children's Hospital(1) and discovered that he had a massive ear infection which required antibiotics. Saturday night he cried himself almost to sleep in my arms, pointing to his crib after his tears, exhausted from being unable to sleep more than an hour for the last 36 hours. A week later he is bright eyed and happy.
All of this and I feel awful over something so stupid and insignificant that I should brush it off and move one. Right now I can't.
J and I took Toddler Alien to Lego Kidsfest this afternoon. It was a fun, overwhelming experience. Lots of people, lots of activity.
As we were leaving the convention center, J asked me to “take a picture of us” in front of one of the Lego models. In equal parts annoyed (because it was loud, I was tired and wanted to leave) and touched, I agreed.
Only to find out that the “us” J was referring to was Toddler Alien and himself, not the three of “us” as a family.
And I felt hurt. Even though J did not intend to hurt my feelings. Even though he communicated clearly and I misunderstood. I was hurt and felt awful, and lo these many hours later I still feel awful. Excluded.
And J feels terrible. Terrible enough that he gave me my card and birthday present (Legos. No really, he gave me Legos. I collect the Modular Building sets. I would collect the Harry Potter sets too, but J drew the line at that) early to cheer me up.
I've adjusted, mostly, to the concept that I am this person/role/vocation called “mom”. But I'm not the fun mom. I'm the “pick up the food you threw on the floor and put in the trash/put your toys away and brush your teeth” mom. J is the fun dad and I am the disciplinarian. Which means that while Toddler Alien does love me, throws me kisses and will not go to sleep most nights until I come in to say goodnight and tap him on the nose, I'm extraneous the moment J walks into the room.
Which is what I felt when I realized that J wanted a photograph of him and Toddler Alien without me. Extraneous.
(1) I'll have a post on them shortly, because Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh is an awesome institution. This post will include a rant about the standoff between UMPC and Highmark. A standoff that could essentially cut off access to 2/3 of the hospitals in the Pittsburgh metro area to Highmark subscribers.
