My Pregnancy Letter

Dear Friends, Family and Complete Strangers who will Feel Compelled to Accost me on the Street in the Next Nine Months,

1. Yes, I am pregnant.
2. No, it was not planned. But it does not follow that it is unwanted.
3. No, I was not thrilled when I found out. As a point of fact, I was rather pissed off. But it does not follow that I unhappy about it now.
4. No, I am not getting rid of the cats. End of discussion.
5. Yes, we are discussing names. No, we are not going to tell you what they are.
6. No I don't know what the gender of the alien is and I'm not interested in finding out.
7. And while we are on the subject, I don't care if the alien is a boy or a girl. Really. I. DON'T. CARE.
8. As a matter of fact, I do think it is funny to refer to the fetus as an alien. It certainly feels like one mentally and emotionally. Thanks for your concern.
9. No, we are not planning on trying for “another on”. We didn't try for this one. Which is not done yet, so why the rush?
10. No, I don't think I am being selfish by not giving the alien a sibling. I value my sanity far more than I value breeding a second alien to keep the first one company.
11. Since you insist on pressing the issue, I'm getting my tubes tied. TMI? TDB!
12. No, you may not touch me.
13. Do I know you? Have we been introduced? No? Then take your hands off me, n.o.w.
14. Yes, I intend to go back to work.
15. Yes, the alien will be in day care since I am going back to work.
16. Yes, I intend to bottle feed the alien at some point. Possibly with formula. Yes, I am aware that I am a horrible excuse for a mother and that the alien may turned out stupid, like me. With a Master's degree and a good job. If only all of us were so lucky.
17. Yes, I am using a nurse midwife instead of an obstetrician. Yes, I do think they are qualified to take care of me. Did you know that my father, mother, younger brother, his wife, her mother, one of my aunts and her daughter (my cousin) are all nurses? Now you do.
18. Yes, the alien will be vaccinated. Yes, I've heard about the autism study. Did you know that the results of that study have never been replicated and researchers have proven that some of data was manipulated? Manipulated as in falsified?
19. I'm sorry that my (currently non-existent) birth plan does not meet with your expectations. Perhaps you would like to discuss your concerns with my midwife?
20. No, I'm not giving up my study for the nursery. Have you seen how small the study is? Most walk-in closets are larger.
21. What about guests? Couch, air mattress or hotel.
22. No, I am not repainting the spare bedroom for the alien.
23. Yes, I agree that I'm a horrible person for not wanting to put a theme to the alien's room.

I'm sure this list will get longer...