Heavy

I am overweight. By enough that my nurse practitioner made the gentle observation that I had gained a considerable amount since I last saw her two years ago. She did not lecture me about the additional weight. In fact she was concerned enough to order some labs to make sure that the weight gain was not caused by an underlying condition, such as an poor performing thyroid. She also ordered a fasting test to check my glucose levels, as diabetes runs on both sides of my family.

The labs were all negative. Simply put, I am fat, out of shape and otherwise healthy. My thyroid is in balance. My glucose levels are good. My cholesterol levels are good. My blood has the appropriate balance of red and white blood cells. I have not had a reoccurrence of HPV. My blood pressure is on the high side of normal, mainly because I have not exercised with any consistency in the past two years.

I'm not comfortable being like this. There aren't many pictures of Toddler Alien and I. Partially because I'm the one usually holding the camera, partially because TA is a daddy's boy and not very keen to sit still long enough to get his picture taken with me. Out of the few snapshots we are able to capture of the two of us, the majority end up getting deleted because I hate the way I look in them so much. It shows – in my posture, in my face, in my whole demeanor in front of the camera.

The dumbest part? I've basically been given orders by my health care provider to start exercising again, in order to keep myself healthy. But I'm not sure how to go about it. It was easier the first time around, when I did not have to feel guilty about J taking on the greater share of Toddler Alien care. While intellectually I know that we can work something out, emotionally I'm uncertain as to how to make it happen. Pulling rank by stating that this is no longer optional, it is necessary feels like a shitty thing to do to J.

My NP suggested doing exercise on demand, and working my way up from that to a regular gym routine. She pointed out that Toddler Alien would most likely want to join me, which was a good opportunity to spend time with him while doing something good for myself. It is a great idea, one that never occurred to me. I just don't know if it would work, as I am too easily distracted when I try to exercise in the house.

I need to figure this out, and soon.