Into the Fire

I've been listening to a lot of David Grey concert recordings these past few weeks, thanks to the Live Music Archive*. The more I listen, the more I come to appreciate the mixture of dark and light in his music and lyrics. Especially the dark. David Grey's lyrics can be very, very dark. The One I Love? The man in the song dying of a gunshot wound.

I find a certain comfort in listening to someone sing about drugs, death and destruction in such a lyrical manner, as it fits my overall stressed mood, as I struggle to get testing completed on projects slated for release the first week of May.

The stress is taking its toll on my physically. I'm waking up every day feeling slightly nauseated** and eating seems to intensify the feeling for short periods of time. The last time I felt like this was near the end of my first year of college. My doctor put me on a short course of medicine and the semester ended.

But I can't get in to see my doctor until the end of May (that American healthcare system, the greatest in the world, don't you know), so I'm dealing by thrice weekly visits to the gym, increased workouts on the elliptical machine and as many pull ups and dips as my shoulders can tolerate. I may feel sick, but by the end of May the media will be shaming me over my biceps and triceps.

This is compounded by the fact that I must occasionally work with an individual who is difficult. Who has authority over me. Who does not communicate expectations and chastises me when I fail (naturally) to fulfill those unspoken, unknown, (occasionally) unreasonable expectations.

A bully. And I don't react well to bullies. My emotions overcome my intellect when I have to deal with any person with a bullying personality. I don't handle them well at all.

I came home Friday afternoon demoralized. Upset. Agitated. And bemused that a sixty second phone conversation could upset me so badly. J looked at me and gently suggested that I might want to consider looking for a different job, Acknowledging that as much as I really enjoy what I do (and I do), and like my coworkers, none of that is worth it to get so completely wound over a single individual.

But I don't feel as if I can look this time. I feel as if I need to face this is a challenge, learn how to deal with this individual's type of personality.

I'm at a loss as to where to begin.

*I also found a recording of Blues Traveler performing a cover of Superstition with Lenny Kravitz and Rusted Root at the Shoreline Amphitheatre in 1996. Only significant in that I was at that concert and that song remains clear in my memory thirteen years later.
**Most definitely NOT knocked up, in the family way or pregnant.
***Intentional, necessary misuse of grammar.