Ring Theory - The Series

In which I document, in serial format, the stupid things I hear people say or do in regards to my mom's illness.

First…

I had planned on writing an angry entry, in which I take the energy that I feel towards what is happening to my mother and complain about the stupid things people say to me about her illness. In the past three weeks, my mother has had to endure:

1.     A MRI of the breasts.

2.    A PET (full-body) scan.

3.    A Bone scan.

4.    A Brain scan.

5.    The injection and ingestion of contrast dyes for the above tests.

6.    Blood tests.

Today she received the results of the PET, bone and body scan.

All three scans were clear. The cancer is limited to the left breast and lymph nodes. Surgery to remove the breast and all lymph nodes is scheduled for early June, on a day that she considers “lucky”. Once the tissue is removed, the cancer will be graded and the oncologist will develop a treatment protocol.

Now:

The Ring Theory of Kvetching

Now that I am living with a situation in which people are going to say stupid shit, I thought I would at least get some amusement out writing about it.

The Ring Theory posits a very simple rule of communication for talking to or about a person in crisis.

Comfort In. Dump Out.

The drawing below is my mother’s ring. Note that this is based on a combination of geographic and emotional relationships. The asterisk next to “Mom’s Friends” is to denote that they are on the border between the first and second ring. “Mom’s Siblings” are also closer to the first ring, but geographically none of them live nearby.

Based on ring theory, I can’t rail at my mom and dad about how unfair her illness is and how horrible it makes me feel. But I can express those feelings to my brothers (as we are in the same ring), my spouse or my friends, as they are all in an outward ring.

Things Stupid Shit People Say #1

Smoking caused mom’s breast cancer.

Wildly Inappropriate Conversations

I have a new dentist.

My former dentist retired. Dr. E was not at retirement age, but he didn't enjoy being a dentist any longer, a fact he freely admitted during our final appointment. As I would prefer that the individual working on my mouth actually like his/her job, I found his blunt honesty refreshing. Dr. E sold the practice to Dr. T, but comes in on Thursdays to help out and work towards wrapping up ongoing cases.

Dr. T is young, hipster cute with dark eyes and curly dark hair. My first impression was that this was the type of guy I would want my daughter (or son) to marry if I was a Jewish mother. When I repeated this observation to one of my sister-in-law's, she laughed and replied "you know you are getting old when stop looking at attractive guys for yourself and start trying to pair them up with someone else".

Both Dr. E and Dr. T recommended that I have work done to cover up exposed root surface on two teeth. Dr. T described the pain as "one step up from a cleaning", so I cheerfully scheduled a follow-up appointment.

Obnoxiously early for my follow-up appointment, I was the lone individual in the waiting room when a man around my age walked in, announced that the world was biased against men because the restroom door was locked, and grabbed the key sitting on the counter.

He walked back to the men’s room, only to discover that 1. The key didn't fit and 2. The men's room was unlocked. He walked back into the waiting room, put the key on the counter and proceeded to make a comment that it was not safe to leave the men's room unlocked, as "a pedophile priest could be waiting to molest a good catholic boy like me".

He left the waiting room again to avail himself of the facilities of the unlocked men’s restroom, located on the 15th floor of a downtown office building, as I sat staring into space, with a polite smile frozen to my face.

I have some ideas about what would motivate an individual to make such weirdly inappropriate remarks to a member of the opposite gender. Most of my ideas are based on the possible delusion that I still look young enough to harass in a roundabout manner.

Fortunately, I was called for my appointment shortly after the man returned, sparing me the discomfort of conversation.

As it turns out, my threshold for pain, at least when it comes to the roots of my teeth, is low enough to warrant Novocain. The procedure was quick and done without mishap, aside from the dental hygienist spraying both the dentist and myself with the water pick.

Fuck Cancer

My mom has breast cancer.

She found a lump underneath her arm, one of the lymph nodes. She had a surgical biopsy this past Monday.

The doctor ended up removing two lymph nodes, both with tumors. We knew Monday evening it was cancer, we just didn't know what kind.

Right now, the doctors don't know where it originated from, but they suspect that it is aggressive, as it was found suddenly and spread to her lymph nodes.

She had a mammogram. It was clear.

She had an ultrasound. It was also clear.

She is scheduled for an MRI.

She will have to have surgery.

She will have to have chemotherapy.

Because of other medical issues, she may not survive the chemotherapy.

My relationship with my mom is difficult, but she doesn't deserve this.

Fuck cancer.

Death by Thirty-Eight Cuts

I have been in a horrible mood as of late. Hundreds of little irritations that I should ignore, yet I feel them poking and jabbing at me, disrupting my sleep in the morning, leaving me anxious, sharp and too apt to poke back.

Rather then leave those things in my head, where they take up unnecessary real estate and make me miserable, I am writing them down, as many as I can remember. Maybe if I send them down the tubes, I can free up that space for more important things.

A lot of these irritations are overlapping annoyances. Some of them are probably only in my head. Some of them are going to be offensive. Some of them are downright stupid. I Don’t Care. I need to get them out of my head before I explode.

In no particular order:

1. I have not had more than 2 days in a row off in two years.
2. The announced buyout of smallEmployer by corporateBehmoth meant putting our plans for a fall vacation in Europe on hold.
3. The backup invitation to join J’s family at the beach is frankly unpalatable to me.
4. The first action of corporateBehmoth upon closing the sale of smallEmployer was to serve notice (anywhere from 2 weeks to several months) to 10 people considered redundant, including one individual in my department.
5. Although I have been told my job is “safe”, I have zero confidence in my department head, as he avoids conflict at all costs and did not give my fired co-worker the courtesy of the heads up extended to the redundant employees in other departments.
6. Although I have been told my job is “safe”, I still have no idea of whether I will be retained by corporateBehmoth when the entity merger is completed in the fall.
7. Although I have been told my salary is “safe”, I have no confidence that I will be retained at my current level of pay.
8. Although I have tried to maintain a cheerful attitude, I have been worn down by the repeated, battering pessimism of an otherwise lovely coworker. Said coworker ruined one Friday for me.
9. One of the product owners is a liar and really bad at it.
10. J’s attitude, which is worse than mine. It has come to the point that I dread engaging in conversation, as most of it is about how much his job sucks.
11. J’s increasing myopia, which could best be described as “if I have not experienced it, it doesn’t exist”
12. Said myopia as the reason why the front door lock still gets jammed, locking residents of the house anywhere from several minutes to several hours.
13. Said myopia to J forgetting to leave the rear screen door unlocked, so there is alternate access into the house.
14. Said myopia to the incident of sticker shock J experienced earlier this week when I showed him the minimum amount of money it would cost to fly and accommodate three people in Europe for 2 weeks. Even though I had explained to J, on repeated occasions over the past year, replete with cost breakdowns, the current expenses of international travel.
15. J forgetting to follow up with me on miscellaneous stuff. Example: The leak underneath the sink? Up until yesterday, I assumed that J was just ignoring my complaints about it, as he had not given me an update. In fact, he is aware that it is leaking, but all the pipes have to come out in order to fix it. Which is a big job.
16. J forgetting to wash the skillet, when it is his turn to do dishes. Which means it usually sits on the stove, covered, until it is needed again. By which time, it emits a seriously unpleasant odor once the lid is raised. There have been incidents where it sat for days, with food in it.
17. Feeling like my decisions are being second-guessed, especially on items that no one else wants to take responsibility for.
18. Feeling like my decisions are being undermined, especially on items that no one else wants to take responsibility for.
19. Feeling like I am being criticized for decisions on items that no one else wants to take responsibility for.
20. Feeling like I am going to be blamed by J’s family when he forgets to tell me about an obligation. Example: J promised to help a nephew with nephew’s Eagle Scout project. J forgot to tell me, leading to me witnessing a very uncomfortable phone conversation between J and his father, as we were headed to see my parents for the day.
21. My belly, which has become a large, scarred, ugly, flapping thing that can only be semi-contained by granny-style panties.
22. I cannot find a bra that will remain comfortable for 12 hours for love or money.
23. It takes so much effort to find sexy pajamas in comfortable fabrics.
24. It takes so much effort to find skirts that I am not embarrassed to wear.
25. All the days I end up refereeing fights between J and Toddler Alien.
26. That J will not take the bus to work in the mornings, in spite of the fact that mornings go smoother when I don’t feel him tensing up with worry that he is going to be late for work.
27. Toilet training Toddler Alien.
28. All the medications I need to take to control asthma, migraines, allergies and other ailments.
29. How fatigued I am by the end of the day.
30. One of my suggestions to address the fatigue, budgeting the hiring of someone to come in and clean a once every few weeks, is rebuffed.
31. I could still hire someone to come in and clean occasionally, but it would eat into whatever discretionary funds I have and offends my sense of fairness, as the other people who benefit refuse to contribute financially.
32. Every single conversation I try to have with people about the above turns into a contest of one-upmanship.
33. The contest of one-upmanship leaves me feeling guilty and unheard.
34. I spend upwards $120.00 on diapers every month
35. The strained relationship I have with my parents, due to my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s enablement and denial of my father’s issues, her own medical issues and her tendency to make me the goat whenever something upsetting happens.
36. The sometimes-strained relationship I have with my siblings, because I have more stringent boundaries then they do in dealing with our parents.
37. Feeling guilty for spending part of my share of our tax refund on a Kindle, even though I have read far more in the past month then in the past two years.
38. Feeling like I can’t change anything, no matter how hard I try.