Death by Thirty-Eight Cuts

I have been in a horrible mood as of late. Hundreds of little irritations that I should ignore, yet I feel them poking and jabbing at me, disrupting my sleep in the morning, leaving me anxious, sharp and too apt to poke back.

Rather then leave those things in my head, where they take up unnecessary real estate and make me miserable, I am writing them down, as many as I can remember. Maybe if I send them down the tubes, I can free up that space for more important things.

A lot of these irritations are overlapping annoyances. Some of them are probably only in my head. Some of them are going to be offensive. Some of them are downright stupid. I Don’t Care. I need to get them out of my head before I explode.

In no particular order:

1. I have not had more than 2 days in a row off in two years.
2. The announced buyout of smallEmployer by corporateBehmoth meant putting our plans for a fall vacation in Europe on hold.
3. The backup invitation to join J’s family at the beach is frankly unpalatable to me.
4. The first action of corporateBehmoth upon closing the sale of smallEmployer was to serve notice (anywhere from 2 weeks to several months) to 10 people considered redundant, including one individual in my department.
5. Although I have been told my job is “safe”, I have zero confidence in my department head, as he avoids conflict at all costs and did not give my fired co-worker the courtesy of the heads up extended to the redundant employees in other departments.
6. Although I have been told my job is “safe”, I still have no idea of whether I will be retained by corporateBehmoth when the entity merger is completed in the fall.
7. Although I have been told my salary is “safe”, I have no confidence that I will be retained at my current level of pay.
8. Although I have tried to maintain a cheerful attitude, I have been worn down by the repeated, battering pessimism of an otherwise lovely coworker. Said coworker ruined one Friday for me.
9. One of the product owners is a liar and really bad at it.
10. J’s attitude, which is worse than mine. It has come to the point that I dread engaging in conversation, as most of it is about how much his job sucks.
11. J’s increasing myopia, which could best be described as “if I have not experienced it, it doesn’t exist”
12. Said myopia as the reason why the front door lock still gets jammed, locking residents of the house anywhere from several minutes to several hours.
13. Said myopia to J forgetting to leave the rear screen door unlocked, so there is alternate access into the house.
14. Said myopia to the incident of sticker shock J experienced earlier this week when I showed him the minimum amount of money it would cost to fly and accommodate three people in Europe for 2 weeks. Even though I had explained to J, on repeated occasions over the past year, replete with cost breakdowns, the current expenses of international travel.
15. J forgetting to follow up with me on miscellaneous stuff. Example: The leak underneath the sink? Up until yesterday, I assumed that J was just ignoring my complaints about it, as he had not given me an update. In fact, he is aware that it is leaking, but all the pipes have to come out in order to fix it. Which is a big job.
16. J forgetting to wash the skillet, when it is his turn to do dishes. Which means it usually sits on the stove, covered, until it is needed again. By which time, it emits a seriously unpleasant odor once the lid is raised. There have been incidents where it sat for days, with food in it.
17. Feeling like my decisions are being second-guessed, especially on items that no one else wants to take responsibility for.
18. Feeling like my decisions are being undermined, especially on items that no one else wants to take responsibility for.
19. Feeling like I am being criticized for decisions on items that no one else wants to take responsibility for.
20. Feeling like I am going to be blamed by J’s family when he forgets to tell me about an obligation. Example: J promised to help a nephew with nephew’s Eagle Scout project. J forgot to tell me, leading to me witnessing a very uncomfortable phone conversation between J and his father, as we were headed to see my parents for the day.
21. My belly, which has become a large, scarred, ugly, flapping thing that can only be semi-contained by granny-style panties.
22. I cannot find a bra that will remain comfortable for 12 hours for love or money.
23. It takes so much effort to find sexy pajamas in comfortable fabrics.
24. It takes so much effort to find skirts that I am not embarrassed to wear.
25. All the days I end up refereeing fights between J and Toddler Alien.
26. That J will not take the bus to work in the mornings, in spite of the fact that mornings go smoother when I don’t feel him tensing up with worry that he is going to be late for work.
27. Toilet training Toddler Alien.
28. All the medications I need to take to control asthma, migraines, allergies and other ailments.
29. How fatigued I am by the end of the day.
30. One of my suggestions to address the fatigue, budgeting the hiring of someone to come in and clean a once every few weeks, is rebuffed.
31. I could still hire someone to come in and clean occasionally, but it would eat into whatever discretionary funds I have and offends my sense of fairness, as the other people who benefit refuse to contribute financially.
32. Every single conversation I try to have with people about the above turns into a contest of one-upmanship.
33. The contest of one-upmanship leaves me feeling guilty and unheard.
34. I spend upwards $120.00 on diapers every month
35. The strained relationship I have with my parents, due to my father’s alcoholism and my mother’s enablement and denial of my father’s issues, her own medical issues and her tendency to make me the goat whenever something upsetting happens.
36. The sometimes-strained relationship I have with my siblings, because I have more stringent boundaries then they do in dealing with our parents.
37. Feeling guilty for spending part of my share of our tax refund on a Kindle, even though I have read far more in the past month then in the past two years.
38. Feeling like I can’t change anything, no matter how hard I try.