I took a sick day today, a necessary measure to preserve my mental health as my stress and anxiety levels have been going up in increasing increments over the past several weeks. I've made multiple mistakes this week that indicate that unless I take a day off very soon, I am going to be suffering significant burn out.
When I woke up and decided to stay home, I used the awesome powers of the Internet to verify that I had no work waiting for me. That pleasant, confident feeling that I could take a day to get my head in order guilt free lasted until approximately nine A.M., when I called my manager to let him know I would be out.
Now it is nearly two hours later and I'm still near tears and my frustration and anxiety have increased even more. Suffice to say, it was not the most pleasant conversation. I found myself being called accountable for issues I thought I had resolved and communicated, including one item that wasn't my responsibility to begin with, but that I set up and taught the item's owner (as I was running out of time and had to leave by 4:00 PM yesterday) how to do, so he could do his job. And communicated to the project manager what I had done. And he (the task owner) did not do it. And I am to blame. Even though my manager told me “don't worry about it, I'll take care of it”.
I cried a little, because as much as I like to think I am some tough feminist woman, I am such a girl. I pulled up my resume and reactivated one of my job search accounts. I edited and refined and threw it out into the wild to see if I could trap an unsuspecting employer into granting me an interview.
But the tape in my head, the one that likes to turn on in such times, tells me that I am wasting my time. That no one is interested in hiring an almost 35 year old woman with such a spotty and inconsistent resume. That for all my varied skills and education, I am not valuable enough of an employee for anyone. Because I prize having some type of a life above ambition, I have basically killed any opportunity to move forward into something interesting.
So, yes, I am burned out. And I'm not sure what to do about it. Advice (seriously) appreciated.
Jenn, it is obvious that you are bright and kind and diligent and creative, and I cannot think of an employer who would not value those qualities highly. If you are unhappy, I know there is something better for you out there. You just have to make yourself open to it, which you are already doing.
ReplyDeleteRemind yourself what I know you know deep down: you are worthy and you deserve all good things.
More later . . .
I agree with the take-an-inventory-of-your-assets approach. Maybe write them all down to counteract your negative thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI'm also a big fan of counseling/therapy, especially when you're overwhelmed with stress and self-doubts. It did wonders for me. Sometimes you end up with an incompetent counselor, but usually this is exactly the kind of problem they're good at helping with. The ones I saw first helped me with countering those negative, destructive thoughts and helped me regain my confidence. Then they helped me figure out where those thoughts were coming from and put that tape of negativity into a larger perspective -- not just in my head.
Don't let the bastards get you down.