Still Tired – a Meandering Post

I'm still tired, the natural consequence of the overtime I put in on Saturday and cramming three days worth of work into two on Monday and Tuesday.

As tired as I am, it has not stopped me from reflecting on my disastrous “girl date” on Saturday evening. I'm still alternating between amusement, indignation and (if I am honest) indulging in a little bit of self-pity. All while trying to keep up with a work schedule that promises to be busy and highly stressful until mid-June.

That strange sense of déjà vu, of seeing what should be an enjoyable evening with an interesting person go completely off the rails. The gender has changed, the goal has changed, the ending is the same.. All these married years later, I still find it difficult to connect with women on a social level.

And I am indignant, insulted really. Tiresome it is, to be lectured on the ticking of my biological clock, with little regard to the reasons behind the choices I have made. Tiresome it is, to be judged on how much (or how little) alcohol I chose, once again ignoring the reasons behind those decisions.

With all this in my head, I stopped work for a few minutes to step outside into the sunshine. With a whopping $3.80 in my checking and $6.25 in bills and quarters, I head the long way towards Starbucks.

First I passed a panhandler, Dot. Dot comes every day and sits near the abandoned McDonald's on Forbes and Wood. She says “God bless you” to everyone who passes her by, whether they give or money or not. When she collects what she needs daily to supplement her welfare income, she goes home.

I give her a dollar.

Next is the abandoned Foto Hut and an empty lot. The lot has been empty for two or three years. Before the building was emptied and the roof fell in, it was a used bookstore. Now a chain link fence blocks the lot from the street.

Someone has hung an urban art installation on the fence, a series of cut out books with photographs of the building, deeds and other written pieces of Pittsburgh history. Someone else has removed some of the books. The rest will most likely be gone tomorrow, when I am able to return with my camera. This small tribute to Pittsburgh's past is surprising and touching and makes me wonder whether there are more moments like this erected about the city.

Later, on my way home from the gym, I look out the bus window and see two more panhandlers, street people actually. One is a woman who looks shell shocked, as if she cannot believe that she is sitting on a street asking for money. The other is an older man, one I have seen before. A second man walks past him, then turns around comes back to put a dollar in his cup.

I watch this homeless man for what seems like several minutes. He lifts the cup to his face and peers intently into its short depths. His face registers no emotion. He considers the contents and places the cup firmly back on the ground. And he waits.